The Baki battles seem to be restricted to five or six combat arenas

  the majority of which are extremely dark. This was an incredibly clever design decision, as darkness hides the fact that the game looks like ass. Though there are occasionally things going on in the backgrounds (one features a raging, color-cycling fire), they are completely non-interactive; you and your opponent both conform to the popular fighting tournament regulation of walking, fighting, and falling in a completely straight line. One hideously botched feature is the ability to slam your opponent into a wall ¿ when you get to either edge of the stage, one punch will force your adversary to stick to the wall, kinda like the guy in the "Velcro Suit" on Letterman.
If this wasn't enough to make you return Grappler Baki to your local importer and threaten a lawsuit, you can head into the game's Survival Mode, or a Time Attack. One mode gives you the ability to edit each character's moveset, though you're restricted to picking and choosing moves that make the maneuvers in NES "Pro Wrestling" look like top-of-the-line motion capture. You'll also find a full-featured training mode, in case you want to dedicate a good deal of time to studying the intricacies of Baki's flawed fighting system. I would prefer to learn how to knit instead.
At least the game runs at a flawless 60fps, and nicely avoids the jaggies by utilizing the full PS2's full frame buffer. The underlying graphical engine could be pretty decent in the right hands ¿ there are obviously a ton of polygons in the character models (they've just been wasted), although the backgrounds are a bit meager. And musically, the Baki tracks would fit in perfectly with any self-respecting porno film.
So is there anything halfway redeeming about Grappler Baki? When I bought my copy, the guy at the store gave me a bunch of totally boss Baki peel-off tattoos. Some of the tattoos were of the scars that are all over Baki's body, so I used warm water and a towel to transfer them over to my left arm. The next day when I went into town, my friend Miyuki noticed the menacing scars. "How'd you get those?" she asked. "Oh," I replied nonchalantly, "I got those after some giant muscley foreign dude was talking some trash, so I twisted the guy's ankle 720 degrees in the wrong direction to teach him a lesson." "Uh, I have to go now," said Miyuki, and she walked off. People fear the Baki tattoos.
Another plus is that the game comes with an entry form for the Official Baki Sweepstakes, where you can win Official Baki Workout Gear. After training with Official Baki Barbells or the Official Baki Jump Rope, you too can twist giant muscley foreign dudes' ankles 720 degrees in th... well, you know.
Oh, God, no matter what I say, it doesn't matter, does it? I know I'm going to pick up this week's Weekly Famitsu, look at the sales charts, and see that Grappler Baki moved around ten thousand units at retail. THIS IS TEN THOUSAND UNITS TOO MANY. For the love of Miyamoto, do not import this game. Don't even think about it. My only hope is that American publishers will show benevolence in not localizing this game for the US audience, so we can all sleep a little easier. In the immortal words of Beavis, Grappler Baki is "worse than crap ¿ you can't flush it and make it go away." In short, this is one of the most embarrassing abuses of technology since CUCMe metamorphosed from a global videoconferencing community into a collection of horny men pointing webcams at their crotches. You have been warned.
Oh, damn, and these tattoos aren't coming off, either.
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